Story of,
This is the story of one Jacob Carignan. Carignan is currently race age 18, on Team MMTT. Carignan started triathlon rather recently, in the spring of 2016 and he recently graduated high school. Carignan is self-diagnosed with Panic Disorder. This is his story.
“We had like a church picnic and it was like the lowest key thing ever,” Carignan said. “Then all sudden I just felt I wasn't even inside my own body. And I was almost seeing myself from like a third person perspective. I just could not focus at all. I had no idea what was going on.”
During cross country season, his anxiety issues faded until swim came along. The pressure of trying to make swim states was hard on Carignan.
“Like two or three months passed and nothing came of it,” Carignan said. “In November once I started to really focus on swim season, it went from once a month to at least once a week. And during the most grinding part of swim season, it was happening almost daily.”
Carignan soon realized that anxiety rarely comes alone. He experienced depressive mood swings and other symptoms of depression.
“There's definitely a real element of depression that comes with that,” Carignan said. “If I've had a panic attack and I've like just totally freaked out about something, I feel just like garbage for a while after and I'll just be really negative. Honestly that's easier to cope with just because I definitely can understand where that's coming from”
Leading up to Nationals, Carignan felt the need for a break. Time to breathe and reevaluate what was going on.
“I realized that I wasn't really having any fun at all I just wanted to take a break,” Carignan said. “And that kind of just persisted through Nationals. I don't know if it was because I was so focused on triathlon there was no escape almost.”
Carignan’s panic attacks have left him vulnerable to things he couldn’t see coming. His races have taken the brunt of the affect.
“Then the morning of Nationals was the last time it was really bad for me,” Carignan said. “I finished my bike and run warm up, I was ready to head down to the water. It's just like my brain was no [not working]. It off put me for the whole race. And I just couldn't really get into any kind of gear because my mind was just so preoccupied with telling me what was wrong.”
Fortunately for Carignan, his parents were fully ready to support him and help him through his troubles.
“I talked to my parents, because my parents are really accepting and open about that,” Carignan said. “'I’ve always felt comfortable talking to [my] parents [when he] felt like something was really going on. And I went to my primary care doctor and talked to him and he's like ‘Sure, we'll do some blood tests just to rule out any kind of like, biological thing’. And then nothing really came at it. I got results and was like, no, it's not like a blood thing. I kind of talked to my parents we were like what is professional help really going to help?[do]”
Looking back, Carignan wished he had gotten professional help earlier rather than later. Now he’s soon to be seeking out the help he needs.
“I don't know if it was the most informed or wisest decision on any of our parts. I don't blame my parents.” Carignan said. “I don't think they quite like understood, or maybe I did a bad job emphasizing just how bad it was. I think professional health probably is the right way to go. And we've been talking back and forth. It’s much worse than what I thought it would be. It's impacting my ability to live my life.”
Carignan knows that the roots of his problems don’t lie in triathlon. It is merely an aspect of his life his anxiety and depression clings to.
“I don't think that triathlon is at fault for this,” Carignan said. “It [triathlon] definitely has helped only once I've come at it with the right mindset. I just never had the race results I wanted to in triathlon. I've never liked quite had the breakthrough race yet, and, sometimes it can kind of be demoralizing.”
Carignan feels like the knowledge of what is wrong is the strongest weapon against his problems.
“I feel like a panic attack kind of gets a bad name,” Carignan said. “I feel like panic attacks kind of aren't really what you think of when you think of panic. I think panic is like a lot of outward energy and running around and freaking out. Whereas it doesn't really feel like that. A lot of times for me I’ll feel super out of my body and I don't know what's going on. Sometimes it feels like everything is going wrong and the whole world is crumbling around you.”
Carignan diagnosed himself before he even thought about reaching for help. When he did reach out, nothing much came of it. He and his family decided that getting the proper help wasn’t as important as they thought. They never could have known the way it affected him in the future. No one is to blame in that situation, but that doesn’t change the fact that he may have benefited from help, which in turn might have helped him perform and race better. It never hurts to seek out help. Sometimes that’s just what you need.
Yours truly,
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